What a day! Mum guilt sucks.
There are days when you think, yeh I’ve got this, I’m killing this parenting business. Then there are days like today. I’m currently sitting on my couch thinking about the day from hell. Thank god they are both sleeping now and I’m enjoying a cider.
Let me paint a picture for you, last night started….well ok. Keep in mind, this week is Matty’s working week so I’m here by myself. I decided it was Friday night and I was going to pick my battles. Therefore I didn’t have the bedtime battle wth Evie, I just let her play until she was exhausted, when I gave her a bottle and put her to bed she went straight to sleep. I thought I was winning, it was about 9pm and both kids were in bed.
I enjoyed my down time by myself. Brodrik was sleeping great, I even had to express before going to bed. I think It was about 11pm by the time I got to bed.
It felt like I had just shut my eyes when Brodrik woke at about midnight for a quick feed. Ok, I can deal with this, a quick feed then back to sleep. Brodrik then woke up was 2am just for a play, for some reason this is becoming a regular occurrence. Don’t get me wrong, the smiles and sweet face is adorable but seriously it’s 3.30am before he wants to go back to sleep.
At 5am Evie woke up, crawls into my bed to jump on me, WAKE UP MUMMY. By this point I was a little annoyed at myself for being so smug and staying up late. I dragged myself out of bed and started the day. By 8am I was impressed with myself, everyone was happy, fed, clothed and ready for the day.
At about 9am I was changing Brodrik’s nappy, when my sweet face 2year old came in to see me and let me know she had been drawing. Aww how cute, she was been drawing pictures and she wants to show me. Evie was so proud, she grabs my hand and takes me to show me her pictures all over the walls from the dining room through the lounge room, down the hall and into her room. At this point I didn’t know what to do, if I screamed she would get upset, if I cry she would also be confused and probably get upset so what I did was laugh, that seemed like the best option, there was green crayon as far as I could see.
I got myself a glass of water and sat down on the couch to think about my next move. I was googling how to remove crayon from walls when I heard Evie’s panicked voice ‘Toilet, Toilet’ I’ve quickly got up knocking over my glass which hit my phone and smashed my phone screen. Needless to say I didn’t make it to the toilet and then had pee all over the floor. OH MY LORD!
While sorting everything out I remembered my father-in-law told me about a magic eraser that removed marks from walls. I packed up the kids and hit the shops determined to find this magic eraser. Two small people at shops is always a challenge, so I was in and out as quick as possible. I found them and stocked up, I now have about 15 magic erasers. Game on crayons.
Once we were a back in the car there was lots of tears, I was even on the verge of tears at this point. It was only 11.30am but I decided to pick up some fries from McDonalds for Evie and drive until she falls asleep. As I handed her the fries, mum guilt hit me hard. I felt awful for giving in and getting her Mcdonalds and wanting her to go to sleep. Tears started streaming down my face, I couldn’t stop them. I ended up driving about 25km out of Rockhampton before she fell asleep. When we got home, I was convinced she would have about 2 hours, I could try this magic stuff and get my house back to normal. As soon as I put her into bed, her eyes opened. KILL ME NOW!
I decided this was going to be learning curve, we could clean the house together. Brodrik in the bouncer and Evie with a tea towel wiping the wall after I clean it. After it was clean, I actually felt the day improve. Yes we were all still tired but things were starting to look up. (except for the cost of a new screen for my phone, $600 OUCH)
At the end fo the day this is a massive reality check for me, things were going really well. Ok sleeping is always an issue in this house, but otherwise things were going really well. I do get mum guilt regularly when I can’t do what Evie needs or wants straight away due to tending to Brodrik. Most of the time I am able to manage this until today. Today I felt like I was failing hard at this parenting business and I missed my husband.
If you are a mum or mum to be, know that mum guilt is real, it sucks. Talk to someone about it, don’t bottle it up, equally give yourself a break. We are human, not superheroes sometimes we make mistakes. There are going to be bad days but remember the good days will outweigh the crappy ones. Cheers to today ending and tomorrow beginning.